Fuck Earls Kitchen + Bar
Where pretense meets apathy


It’s Not Just Bad Service To Us
We take your dining experience very seriously. Unlike eateries who merely happen into bad service, our commitment to displease you is evident in everything we do. Whether you’re trying to place your first order, find out what happened to the last 3 people who stopped by to take your order, or just get a goddamn water, rest assured that our staff will be too busy chatting around the till or socializing with their friends who are drinking for free at the bar to pay any attention to you. 
Fuck Your Order
There is absolutely nothing that you can do that will not evoke a barely-suppressed eye-roll and well-practiced patronizing smile from any of the failed models on our waitstaff. If you watch closely, you can make out what they’re saying about your table when they huddle by the til to gossip instead of entering your order.
Are You Our Target Demo?
Our pretentious menu of aggressively mediocre cocktails has been custom-tuned to attract and retain some of the most narcissistic fuckboys in the state. The vapid waitstaff’s dead eyes and empty smiles probably don’t hurt, either.

If you don’t have a lifetime membership with at least 3 tanning salons, we don’t really want you in our establishment.

And we’ll make sure you can tell.
“Sup, brah. This place was bangin’. I never got my fruity lavender lemondrop cocktail, or anything else I ordered. I still tipped that lil’ hottie like forty bills, b. Pretty sure I can get her number next time.”
Trent Cooper “DJ TC” Wilson Jr.
“I hated everything about this experience.”
A Normal Human Being
Contact Us
ugh.fuck.customers@fuckearls.com

(555)555-5555

Bellevue, WA 98004
We really would rather you just drop dead than ask us to do any work. 
Really.

Please.

Stay away.